How to learn to rest

An interview with Anna Basiková, editor of Cosmopolitan magazine: what didn't make it into the magazine in the end.

Monika Stehlíková, ACT and mindfulness teacher, consultant, giftedness specialist www.monikastehlikova.cz

How do we find out what drains our energy? And what does it usually tend to be?

A great deal of our energy is taken by our old mental patterns and by psychological, that is, inner obstacles: various fears, anxieties, negative emotions and thoughts. A lot of energy also goes into scattered attention, jumping from one thing to another, inefficient activities, rushing, stress. Spending too much time on the phone or computer drains a lot of energy as well. For sensitive people, staying for longer periods in a very chaotic, noisy or negative environment can be exhausting too.

We can find out by becoming more aware of these tendencies and assessing how much energy they take from us, or rather how long it takes us to "recover" from them, and also by comparing this with how much energy we have when we deliberately avoid these tendencies for a few days. For example, we can "ban" ourselves from Facebook and the internet for a few days and see what it gave us and what it took away. Or we can stop doing several things at once during the day (working while clicking over to social media, emails, text messages and so on) and see how much fresher we suddenly feel.

Where can we most often save our energy and time?

By deciding effectively, with rare exceptions, how we will spend our time and what we will devote ourselves to (and what we actually truly want to devote ourselves to). By doing one thing at a time whenever possible, and by not thinking, even in our head, about what comes next, but giving our attention to what is happening right now.

And how, on the other hand, do we figure out what brings us joy?

Simply by starting to "taste" activities (and non-activities too) and assessing how we feel while doing them. And then allowing ourselves to do them, setting aside time for them. Perhaps also recalling what we enjoyed as children and returning to it, if that is possible.

Why does less mean more? Why is it that having little, even a sense of lack, actually does us good?

Mainly because when we have a lot (lots of experiences, lots of impressions, lots of activity), we are still not able to experience it intensely; we stay on the surface. We feel good when we do not stay on the surface, which for most of us means when we have less.

Try a simple exercise with a raisin: look at it slowly, then smell it several times, then put it in your mouth and roll it around, notice its taste, chew slowly, take your time, and do nothing else while you are at it; give this exercise your full attention (and live it, savour it, do not watch yourself through other people's eyes, wondering how it looks from the outside). And you will see how much a single raisin can fill you up and how much it calms you.

How can we bring minimalism into our lives (at work, in relationships, in our thoughts...)?

That is no small thing; true minimalism is reached through years of personal work. The process is greatly accelerated by mindfulness meditation, specifically by observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment. And also by tuning in to our own body and its signals. By trying to flow through our day, perceiving what is here in the present, not rushing, and reducing the number of activities and obligations.

It is better to truly savour a few experiences than to be constantly on the run and squeeze in more. How much is the right amount, though, is something everyone has to decide for themselves; it has to be in tune with who they are, because each of us is different and needs something slightly different.

Will it really help us to have fewer friends and to work and spend less?

I would be wary of any universally proclaimed recommendations that tell people what to do, the same for everyone. Everyone has to live their life in their own way. But there are no limits to trying things out and seeing what they do for you. There is definitely something to it: spending less on things we do not need, chasing after things less, looking for quality rather than quantity.

Above all, though, what comes first is to be yourself and not to live by a "recipe".

And what should people do who are unhappy, but who would get bored or feel lonely if they worked less and cut off their acquaintances?

It always depends on whether a given activity is a way of running away from myself or of coming closer to myself. If it brings me closer to myself, then there is no need to fundamentally cut it back, apart from the need to rest. If I am using activities and the daily whirl to run away from myself, I am only increasing my emotional pain and it leads nowhere anyway; you cannot run away from yourself. In that case it works to slow down, work less and so on.

Such people could also explore their feelings of boredom; something is hiding behind them. They could also explore their fear of being with themselves, of being themselves, together with their negative sides, which stay more hidden during superficial activity. Getting through boredom and solitude, when they come, pays off: inner treasures lie behind them. But everyone has to explore them in their own way.

How do we learn to say no? (How to politely turn down a meeting, a get-together, work, helping someone...)

It takes practising model situations and strengthening self-confidence and self-worth. From my practice I know that telling people to learn to say no is often not enough. They know how to say the word no, but for various reasons they are afraid to say it, so first we need to work on overcoming these fears and other inner obstacles.